To begin with... we all have certain preferences, dreams, ambitions, plans, aims etc. & those who don’t care about our needs (friends, acceptance, care, love) will never bother to ask what we want. They’ll go on misjudging everything we do... my mother for example, treats me like a black sheep in the house because I fell in love with someone and sadly it’s every Indian Girl’s story. She once derided me so much, that I couldn’t take it anymore... I decided to prove “I’m no stuck up” by finding someone else who would help me get over him by emulating him in every aspect but when I did that, she said, “Your love was never true.”
Recently she also told me that I never loved him but the very next moment when I opened my laptop for something, I came across the words TRUElove with True in bold letters, it was a collection of artworks I’d designed for my book. It made me realise that she was right, it wasn’t love, it was & will always be true love.
But is Blind, True love enough? Enough to suffice both of you’ll? Enough to make you happy or emotionally elevated when your wings are chopped off? When you are falling hard & fast, head over heels, ardently? Is something “ideal” always “appropriate”... or pragmatic?
Young Love Collage
When I think about it, I only reach one conclusion... true love never has a happy ending. It doesn’t have to have an ending because it’s eternal, I get it but sadly, there’s no closure either, like ever or any hope in sight. Most love stories or sagas are timeless because they are unfinished... lives are stalled, lovers separated, broken, abject, dejected, feelings are dismissed as “unrequited” & it never meets a Rose-tinted fairytale ending because the story itself doesn’t get a chance to begin. It’s like having have frayed ends or a loose thread which rips apart the whole thing or your heart...
I do love everything about him like I said in one of my tweets... but here’s the thing,
I have grown up watching long legged ninjas like Angelina Jolie & Charlize Theron in power packed action films and I have always loved edgy love stories, action thrillers, psychological thrillers, crime films, etc. so I obviously want someone who can get my heart racing.
Frankly, he is too boring & classy for me now. I always wanted a grungy hipster, “bad guy” for a ‘badass poetess’ like me. I wanted fervent love, yearning, wild, compassionate-passionate emotions, earnest feelings and simmering tempers... other than an unbreakable bond of deep attachment & trust.
The gif below looks a bit too promiscuous, I know but it goes well with my piece.
His Bitmoji doesn’t even wear a leather jacket anymore, he is in a boring blue suit, he doesn’t play the guitar now, he plays symphonies on a piano, I’m sure he isn’t into bikes like he was (I loved his personality) he must be driving some S-Class Mercedes Benz which is only meant for boring Businessmen. I always wanted a stylish, crazy, funny, witty dude like me... (someone constantly sporting headphones or a much cheaper, vintage ‘Walkman’ around their neck) Now when I look back I realise how much I’ve lost & left
-in the past.
For me a guy’s personality, style, wits, sense of humour & other qualities matter a lot; I am not into gratification, it’s more of the emotion and drive that comes with the chase... I don’t want to be one of their “needs” or even desires, I just want to be a feeling or a beautiful, never-ending dream. For me, love, respect, compassion, mutual understanding, support, togetherness, gentle, tender care, caresses, hugs over kisses, mollycoddling, afternoon snuggles, etc. matter more... It’s either love or nothing, I can’t compromise like a superficial wannabe, I can’t settle for something in-between just because I’m not “good enough” or “unworthy.” Life is short, youth is shorter... and I’ve always wanted someone to say, “My youth is your’s” -read that somewhere I realised how much it means (especially) now after another 5 years of solitude and pain. How is one lifetime even enough to be with someone you love?
I still love & respect him a lot, I’ll always care about his feelings, I didn’t mean to hurt him. I hope he doesn’t feel bad about it... I will always have a soft corner for him.
I never pictured us together, I don’t expect anything, if I do, it would be like “wishful thinking” I will love him till the end of time and maybe it’s meant to be that way, I don’t know...
Sorry but I’m just being honest. I’m not judging, I don’t stalk him (at all) so my assessment is obviously not that legit or reliable... but I could tell from his hinge & other profiles which I saw two years back, that he is not what I thought he was. His behaviour too makes him a bit snobbish, vain, shallow, vindictive, insolent, insensitive, chauvinistic, conceited and... austere which is boring in big fat letters. I know those words can hurt but that’s all have, I’ve always receive a lot of hate, coldness & hostility, so I have nothing else to spare or tell.
Once someone rejects you that too disparagingly, without you ever asking them out or even after you’ve flagrantly acknowledged that your feelings are
one-sided, you lose all your credibility... people think you are a worthless reject and they start mistreating you.
If you are pampered by one, you are pampered by all but if someone undermines or decimates your worth (although they have no right to do that) you become stigmatic, it’s like a lifelong curse. They never even cite any reason, do they? They just shun & dismiss you... which leaves plenty of room for criticism and vague assumptions.
“Is love supposed to be blind?” Well to a certain extent, yes, if we are being realistic then yeah, you’ve gotta compromise on a few things but if this blindfold is making your life dark & grim then you have to take it off and see what you’ve always wanted. Look back in the past and you’ll find what makes you happy...
It could be a precious memory you’ve treasured for years or an unfulfilled longing which has made you cynical.
As of now, I’m not looking for anyone at all ‘cause I’m not eligible anymore... if this makes you happy, I don’t look the same, I’m not pretty like I used to be... I’m different. I was looking beautiful on the 6th of Jan, 2019, back then I still had some hope left but the whole drama took a toll on me and now I’m fucking hopeless... I don‘t keep well either, no one gives a damn, I just keep sleeping through because I have no other choice. I have no one to talk to or share my problems with...
I’ve lost faith in humanity. According to age old beauty standards & most men, women are only categorised into two things: “Useful” & “Useless”
We are either a want or a need & nothing beyond that or an object of hate and derision for all those cynical misogynists who make blanket generalisations... they don’t think twice before sardonically criticising or spiting you with snide remarks & scathing words simple because you mean nothing to them and you are of no use. They insensitively go to the extent of instigating you to commit suicide with hateful, derogatory comments in chats, dating apps, DMs, etc. because you are unworthy of love, and why? Because you are not good/palatable enough for lust.
Love and attachment is different, speaking from my own personal experience... I can tell its not judgemental, you love and respect the other person (in today’s times, it important to cherish and appreciate their existence more than their presence) you respect and support them as an individual... they become irreplaceable because you care about their feelings & they are dear to you. Their individuality, habits, annoying idiosyncrasies or whatever it is that sets them apart makes them special, I believe,
You dont have to be extraordinary to deserve an inordinate amount of love...
Sweet Poison ‘Love’ never demands anything, it just seeks to be around you like a satiny, pleasant, warm fragrance... it can engulf your soul, invigoratingly arouse your senses and either trigger nostalgic moments or a timeless memory of something beautiful yet forgotten. And it wishes to stay that way, like a veil of dewy mist... it’s never superficial, it’s palpable.
Okay now we are getting too romantic...
*saxophone plays in the background*
I had to change “He” to “they” in the above paragraph ‘cause I was subconsciously thinking about him while writing it... anyway, I was looking for Angie’s gif and he was still occupying my thoughts, I even said “I love you” in my head and surprisingly I came across one of her gifs saying
“I love you a lot.”
I was like, true that.
Don’t overthink. Lucky him, Angelina Jolie loves him a lot! LOL
Xoxo
Zara Sauleh
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