I tried moving on… to newer hopes other people, other things, books, writings, interiors, journaling, "self-care" creativity, art, science etc. etc. now I’m moving on to another realm ie. the afterlife cuz material stuff can never really make anyone happy especially when the world hates you, indifference is different, it’s classified as ignorance at its best but blocking is sheer HATE (this has happened twice in a row now since yesterday, 2 of them have done that) at this point you realise why you never receive any likes or there's no interaction with your social media posts or any sign of help when you share an SOS signal, you realise how much hate people sit and harbour secretly and when they can’t bear it they eventually take it out on you… it's like their own vomit, some swallow it with their pride like my friend Harsh and some throw up... even the one I loved the most hated me but he never opened his mouth. Afterlife or rebirth doesn’t mitigate the intensity, impact or perpetual gloom of death cuz it’s still irrevocable, it’s when your individuality and identity, both, cease to exist forever permanently, that is exactly what people hate anyway, fake people are actually never hated and when the world says "Be yourself" they mean you’ve got to be what they want to see or what they feel suits you not who you actually are... in fact your individuality and identity are two different things, which are both gone when you die. Identity will not always align with what’s inside you, it just forms your outline... your name is dominated by your religion, your looks are a genetic conspiracy, your body will be governed by your DNA and your race or ethnicity is determined by your birthplace, it is also affected by the region or climate in which you are born, as in your environmental conditions. The only thing which isn’t inherited by any of the above is your personality or thoughts, the way you think, the way you feel, the only thing you can control is your soul, which retains its individuality even when your looks change or when you grow old, you might grow in wisdom but you are still a kid at heart, everyone is, someone rightly said we are all instinctively aware of everything and education or schooling only reminds us what we already know, but how? Because most of us are like old souls we are either born with a prior knowledge thanks to evolution or "instincts" or our soul knows things the new brain doesn’t remember but even if that is true I don’t want to be back in another life I just don’t want to comply by the rules of the earth, there were many things my soul wasn't aware of, which are capable of overthrowing my entire education… such as “Love is NOT blind” I fell in blind love but he didn’t. Secondly I was lied and told Love and Lust are two different things, they most definitely make love or love the girls they actually want, it’s all about blind hate and racism/colourism nothing else otherwise who would spend their precious time on someone, love is hope, hope is time... you get someone's time, that's all you need, why would they give their time to someone in particular over another person? Just because they are shedding clothes? Anyone would, if they love you they will... even if they know they'll have to die later on if there's no commitment from your side or you'd go back on your words but they'll never miss that chance of being happy (for the first and) one last time. At least they'll die in peace or they will have some hope they won't feel untouchable, they won't have that feeling like they can be easily shunned. They won't feel entirely unwanted, they won't question their gender or existence. But your whole youth will pass by and the other person will waste his time unfairly on those who are undeserving because for him its still justified. Here's the next lie - it is said "Hope Dies Last..." utter nonsense! Not when you are running out of time, Hope dies along with your youth. Unlived youth is like fast forwarding to death. I was told things are always balanced out but I learnt some have everything because others have nothing, they are born alone and they die alone, some have lovebites like Aneri to flaunt but I’m dying a “lip virgin” I haven’t even been kissed by anyone. I was taught girls like me have more respect when the fact is nothing is more humiliating or insulting than this… being - a reject, being undesirable just because like her you don’t strip on internet. I was taught you have to be cultured for the boy’s parents to like you but I learnt something vastly different on growing up. They said friends are the family you get to choose but then I realised family or friends, both don’t make any sense, they all act the same, when you are in need they are nowhere to be found. I was taught about good and evil, benevolent and malevolent but God or Devil both turned out to be two sides of the same coin, both extreme - one is all about eternal suffering and pain, it stands for altruism, blind faith and sacrifice, its dogmatic conventionalism, full of testaments and trials and then sermons and lessons... virtues, unwanted glory but none of it includes happiness and the other is all about vices, vengeance, hate, crime, gluttony etc. which eventually leads again to soliloquies and lessons. The cross itself says as above so below and also connects left and right sides, it's where all four directions stand in harmony which means it all comes together at some point and ends up being one and the same thing, that’s the focal point of our existence… we are all alike just like God and the Devil Heaven and Hell or Good & Evil. The last nail in the coffin is the same as crucifixion, it all ends when you reach that threshold and that’s it… I told someone I was curious when he started acting like that I mean I had a premonition where I saw him liking one of my pics, he did like them, I received the notification when I woke up but he wasn’t talking he just kept liking them even though I'd already given my BB pin when he had asked for it, I told this person I was curious because he was monopolising my thoughts by doing that, and he said “Aah curiosity killed the cat” to which I replied “A cat has nine lives” however I learnt as a grown up how much the black cat is cursed instead of being a curse herself and it's all just a saying, no one attends a cat's funeral. I also learnt wherever there’s light there will be shadows but at the same time no amount of darkness will ever hide even the smallest star (the last part was quoted by some philosopher) I figured it’s much cooler to be mysterious than famous but the world hates that and no one’s intrigued by it, not everyone’s that curious… people want what's common, whatever's obvious. No one wants to be different and no one likes your uniqueness no one cares if it makes them special because they thrive in generality and love being a part of the mediocre crowd, of the daily rabble. One thing turned out right - Majority always wins and in that case your individuality obviously has no value… I learnt that neither God nor love nor your soulmate are infallible, they will all mock you and leave you to die and the world is always blind to cruelty just like their own mistakes... and no one ever returns even when they are alive and unlike the movies in real life it's the girl who pursues and the guy who shows attitude, it's always females who wait at the loner's bench or the kissing bridge, till their last breath... which is left with a deep sigh & a heavy heart.
Bye I don’t want to be back ever, I am dying cuz I’m tired of being sick I can’t even sit in an upright position, I've lost 8 years of my youth in my room it's been like this since I was 21 since I met him and I’m tired of getting no help (physically not mentally, other people need that more) and also - I’m done with being an unacceptable virgin. He won.
- Zara Sauleh
VERY IMPORTANT
Evidence Part 1 of being TORTURED to death at home (it's a cold blooded murder)
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