Jan 29th, 2016
I had a few “coincidences” or signs indicating something… and I realised what has hurt God the most, it’s the same thing which blinds me and clouds my judgement, it makes me wanna kill myself, I’m done battering my brain explaining what may/may not have happened… I get so suicidal I feel like jumping off the roof, throwing myself on the tracks, slitting my wrist aggressively, having all my meds and getting into a deep peaceful sleep… from which I’ll never wake up again, where I’ll forget everything that’s my main objective. I’ve cried a lot today & I don’t think I will survive… my convulsions have increased and my health is unstable, I want to kill myself in every possible way, over and over again because I hate myself so much, the person I loved the most hated me a lot so it’s natural. The only thing that blinds me and makes me wanna die is the same thing which has also hurt God, it’s what I wrote a few hours ago, the fact that I’ve been lying bed ridden like a coma patient living life vicariously since 2017, I lost nearly 10 years of my life that too in just the blink of an eye… I miss 2012… I haven’t left my house since 2017, I started getting sick at the mere age of 21 because of him, whenever he would block my heart would stop and my head would start spinning, I would get a throbbing headache, enough to destabilise me (I was neither asking him out nor abusing or bothering him) and then eventually I got diagnosed with a chronic illness called fibromyalgia, it was triggered due to child abuse (which never stopped, I had some hope as a kid, I would think someone would get me out of here but the world changed by the time I grew up and people only wanted sex or drugs) it was also triggered by deep emotional trauma - mainly due to him and all those heartbreaks. I miss 2012 when I was 17, back then I didn’t know he existed and life was relatively better, at least I had some hope… I don’t even remember what the streets look like anymore, so many things have changed, so many places have shut down and I’m still stuck in 2015-16 I am still standing there outside Brewbot like I was on 29th Jan (of the same year) I didn’t eat anything ‘cuz I was crying at the bistro/restaurant, my mother was treating me very badly and I was in tears when I saw him walking down the street, luckily when he glanced at me, my passing car blocked his view… we had called the driver and he was there to pick us up… I didn’t want to be seen, I went there for him ‘cuz I had a hunch, I knew I would be seeing him there… you know all the coincidences and “magical” things that happened on 9th Oct & 29th Jan, it’s here, I’ve not shared everything though, there is more… I have it in my manuscript.
You’ll find me there outside Brewbot, at the foyer… you may not recognise me cuz I was prettier but if you’ll see me, tell me, her, that things are only going to get worse
He is still 28 & I am 21
With Love,
Zara Sauleh
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