I wish I could vocalise it, cuz with that proper enunciation it would have been way more funnier… You’ll find these common aspects in most TV serials/Daily soaps:
Before I stopped watching TV (in 2015 because of “someone”) me & my brother used to watch Sasural Simar ka just to make fun, it had replaced Telebrands testimonials, Baba Ramdev & Doordarshan - for as long as it was alive and topped our list of “The most funniest shows on television”… This goes back to the first episode ie. before Simar turned from a housewife into a housefly (for real) in the first episode itself, you could make out that she’s got a strict conservative Amrish Puri kinda father whom you never see again after that (God knows why) he forbids her from going to some dance competition on her wedding day :/ Her grandma is like, “Jaa Simar jaa jile apni Zindagi” (like the final scene from DDLJ) and encourages her to attend it, they device a plan where Simar makes her younger sister Rolly sit in her place under the ghoonghat & goes to the dance competition (to lose) she thinks she’ll be back before the pheras but she keeps having obstacles like Mario… so in the first level there’s traffic but somehow she dodges that & makes it to the second level where it gets tougher, she has to deal with naakabandi then for the third round, there’s a heavy protest going on and by the time she’s back Rolly gets married… all this was followed by *utter silence* and then we burst out laughing saying “Yay” Then for some odd reason Rolly who’s just a 9th grade student and let me remind you, Simar’s younger sister, she gets married to her older brother in law as in the eldest son of the house (which is nothing but Child marriage) and Simar gets married to Rolly’s husband so basically Rolly gets an upgrade… Now coming to the common mistakes that you’ll see in every serial… (trust me, being brought up in the early 2000s we’ve seen many soaps as kids)
A lot of times when they have a huge secret to unveil, they try to waste a significant amount of time to create that hype, so you have a Maha Episode where they combine two hit shows together at 10 pm, that is their idea of a Saturday night party and they all dance at the most recent Bollywood songs then in the last few minutes the ideal Sanskaari bahu discovers a “secret room” it’s surrounded in a thick layer of fog and mist… she realises it’s locked and she takes another one month to open it. When she does, she sees an Ancient woman sitting over there, that’s the very First Bahu (like Pardaadi it’s a Parbahu) of the house who… is locked up, simply because… she defied them. This younger, “ideal bahu” finds her in a horrible condition, she is shocked to see her and the episode ends… now next we’ll see them directly on Monday, so instead of saying “You need therapy & let’s see a doctor and get you out of here” she says, “Maajhi mai aapko aapki izzat aur aapke Adhikar dilakar rahungi” and by that she means “a welcome at the dinner table” Everyone’s shocked and they’re like “Bahu!” while Maajhi ascends to the head of the family’s chair and we’re like okay at least they showed that much progress… the family takes another six months to get over it and consider her their regular family member, until then they keep her out of the family frames. Next, the Chirag of the house is out on a sus (as in suspicious, by now you should be acquainted with Urban dictionary) anyway like I was saying he’s out on a sus “Business Meeting” hmmm 🤨 🧐 and oddly enough it’s very windy that day… you can see where it’s heading? Not yet? Alright… It’s so windy, that one of the lizards loses her vacuum and falls off from the ceiling straight into the milk, at this point normal people are like: “Eww” but the Mother in law/Saasu ma is like “Nahiii Apshagun bahu apshagun” Next, someone leaves a window open and one of their wedding frames falls down and shatters, to which again the Saasu ma says “Another Apshagun tsk tsk tsk” They are preparing for a puja or havan in the house and the Diya or Chirag blows out… and Saasu ma again is like “Apshagun pe Apshagun” and I’m like no third time’s a charm don’t say that… the badi Ideal bahu then says, “He Maatarani Humaari Raksha karna, agar hum Sankat mein nahi hai to ek phool giraiye, agar kuch galat hone waala hai toh do phool giraiye (she hopes it’ll work like IVR options) aur agar kuch bohot bura hone waala hai toh saare phool giraiye” the whole floral arrangement spoils.
Saasu ma is again like “Bahu Mera baaya haath aur baaya pair aur baayi ankh teeno phadak Rahe hai this is Apshagun. Tum Karanvir ko phone lagakar Dekho (a very posh “Karanvir”) woh kaha hai, Puja ka Samay nikla jaa raha hai” She calls him while he is returning from that sketchy “Business meeting” which is held at some hill station otherwise why would he follow the steep, winding, super deadly Ghat route? Bahu calls him up while he is driving and the phone distracts him and there’s a truck coming from the other end, he tries his best to avoid a collision by taking a sharp turn and dashes into a tree *beeeeepppp* and sadly for some reason his airbag doesn’t work either. Now you know why that Chirag blew out… it took you so long, my mother had already guessed that. This is one more common thing that they show - Again this posh dashing eldest son for God only knows whichever reason falls off a cliff… I’m so sorry it would be very cruel to laugh… like I said I had stopped watching TV in 2015 itself because of him (that guy) so when I was once sitting in the living room, my mother was watching a movie and they were playing some serial ad from their partner channel, they were showing this whole band baja baraat and again for some unknown reason the Dulha (bridegroom) along with the ghodi (horse) falls into a lake and starts screaming for help… why do they go near tourist spots? Anyway, coming back to my story, their eldest son falls off a cliff and that Khaandaan’s sworn enemy, the conniving Nagin/Vamp is waiting at the foot to do his plastic surgery. As you must’ve guessed he has also lost his memory so she easily makes him believe he is her husband and she does his plastic surgery, gives him a new face like a traditional hakim and narrates a false tale… meanwhile for the first time Babuji goes to buy vegetables to the market and gets home some muli, tamatar, sabzi at double the price, forgets the free dhaniya but he brings along a special “surprise” to make up for it… - Tada! Their son Karanvir who’d fallen from the mountain… he is nothing but a pickpocketer, a roadside Romeo, a pantar chapp, he only looks like him but he isn’t him and Babuji is like… Arey Karanvir Tum waaapas aa Gaye? Babuji is not ready to believe him when he doesn’t recognise who he is and when he comes to this huge “Hawa Mahal”, he starts playing along cuz he is not used to this lifestyle and he has always craved it. His maa has an intuition but she believes him anyway, the other vamp as in the devraani jethaani in the black sari already knows he is not him, so she comes up with a plan “to destroy the family” by lying about it for some extra drama… and she teaches him all the family secrets, she preps him up for the “surprise test” (I’ll come back to it later) On the other hand, the Posh Karanvir has flashbacks where he can see a bunch of creepy people staring at him from top of the mountain (in undeveloped negatives 🎞) and then he is hit with a migraine… One fine day, the Naagin Vamp makes him Muli ke parathe cuz aloo is over and something as basic as that finally triggers his entire memory… he rushes back, on foot, climbs the mountain, goes straight to the Hawa Mahal and kicks open the main door like Sunny Deol and he’s like, “Maa Bauji mai wapis aagaya” this is my fav part… they all come downstairs including the Jethani Dewarani to see what’s going on… and probably in modern times to upload the whole drama on Instagram, “He excitedly repeats Maa Bauji Dekho Mai Wapas aagaya” and their response is, “Who the hell are you and what are you doing in our house? Ramlal!!” Bauji calls the security guard… Karanvir asks, “Arey Maa tune Mujhe Paichaana nahi?” I’m right there, I’m like “No duh you look different… and now even your height is shorter and your voice box has also changed” He tries to explain that, “So what? I fell from a cliff that too directly on my feet, the impact shortened my legs” All the family members react skeptically, each reaction gets those whooshing dramatic special effects, now we’re on the third episode and a few family members still have to react… they play a remix for the background score which is nothing but a mashup of Mandir ke Ghante & strong cyclonic winds, some chanting of holy verses & the quintessential guileless raga *Rega Rega sa* I toh say we should add those Calming sounds also… which help you sleep like Pelicans, waves, rainforest, chirping birds etc. and some Yo Yo Honey Singh. The family collectively decides to hold a Quiz Contest, they are like, “We’ll give you one chance to prove who you really are… we’ll question you certain personal things which only the “Real Karanvir” would be aware of… and whoever gets a 10/10 is him.” This is the day the Dewaraani Jethani urf vamp was waiting for, she gets dahi shakkar for the tapri whom she has trained, so they start this Trivia match and the Posh Karanvir unfortunately forgets one answer in the last round whereas, Cheap Karanvir has studied everything by rote so he is well versed with all the answers, he’s like a pro in the hot seat… he doesn’t even need options. Babuji *intensely* asks, “Tum jab chote Bacche the toh tumhe kid cheez main diljasbi thi? Basketball ya football?” Posh Karanvir is not able to think because of Bauji’s creepy skeptical, doubtful gaze 👀 so he stammers “Basketball… nahi 5th std takke basketball aur phir football” Cheap Karanvir replies with full swag, “Na basketball na football… Kabadd-di” to which Bauji says “Sahi Jawab!! Tum jeet gaye ho asli Karanvir ka khitaab” Posh Karanvir objects, he says that’s cheating… I liked Kabaddi in 9th std… that’s not Bachpan, I was a big kid by then but Bauji is like “That was a trick question” and Maajhi says, “You’ll be always be my Shona beta” Posh Karanvir is about to leave Hawa Mahal because he is done convincing but then comes… the Naagin/Vamp she is also barefoot, she’s climbed that entire mountain just like him and followed him all the way here… she calls him out and all the family members ask, “Tum yaha kya kar rahi ho?” They start believing him now… they then confront the tapri chapp as in the humshakal and ask him to leave but as soon as he is about to leave Babuji, steps in and since he has a big heart he says, “Thairo, koi kahi nahi jaaenga, Hawa Mahal bohot bada hai tum bhi issi ghar mein rahoge” the Naagin Vamp wants to stay in the same house too so that she can destroy them like a termite, so she comes up with an idea, a very conniving and shrewd idea, guess… if you can’t, ask your mom cuz maximum aunties who watch these shows would’ve said, “I knew she was going to say that” she says, “Mai aapke bete ke bacche ki maa banne waali hoon, iss ghar ka Vaaris mere kok mein pal raha hai” Sasumaa is like, “How very corny and dramatic, you are using the trump card” nope… she doesn’t say that, she says, “Arey Beti Phir Tum khadi kyu ho? Andar aao… tum Pahad chadkar aai ho tumme koi dikkat toh nahi hui?” She says, “No I turned into a snake and glided…” Then after a year of feigning that pregnancy, the Naagin Vamp steals a baby from the hospital and when they ask, “Why doesn’t the baby have super powers such as turning into a sapola & all like you?” She says, “Cuz it’s a boy, it’s a baby boy not a girl badhai ho…” and she instantly earns more privileges than the other bahu who gives birth to a babygirl. She gets tijori ki chaavi ka guccha, their pushtaini haar, desi ghee amongst other things.
Now they’ll have a new season where the kids will look exactly like their parents ki Carbon copy and they’ll save their budget there and make these actors work a double shift.
Zara Sauleh
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