I again have fever can’t stop crying… I feel like telling that guy I loved all this while all those 10 years I thought he was naturally like that like the one from his 2016 Birthday pic that was the last time I stalked him the last of him I’d ever seen before Dec 2022… I imagined him like that for years that birthday pic and the radio station one I am crying rn and I feel like saying “You were the only one who could’ve understood me but you are gone and someone else has come in ur place someone perfect and fair and “all that” you could’ve been down to earth he’s different and that’s why I’m dying.” My mother and him they both ruined my looks and she then criticises me and tells me I’m hopeless and I deserve no one especially not him, the only thing which had stopped me from dy-ing till now is because I wanted to prove that the ugliest girl (whatever they’ve made me) can write the best book and all those who are born that way (there was a girl who hated waking up everyday as herself it was a black girl) they all deserve HOPE and the book should give them that.
All those fks who think too much of themselves who have some teenage bully inside will call this “dramatic” that stupid MTV Channel V crowd idk. Those Indian shows were not even good or of that level. Jeez! We would only watch Gumrah (true crime)
Last but not the least… other than those girls I always make myself repeat the same promise “I cross my heart and I will do anything for the sake of old times” it reminds me of my fav season of the year - Rainy Season and even though I would abused and I would cry a lot along with the clouds I still remember a 14 year old sitting outside on the stairs crying, I would wear black maximum number of times because I wasn’t afraid of bad luck I loved black (black like according to most people is indeed poetic it means DEPTH it’s the deepest of all the colours) it would make me feel confident and good, it was like embracing and owning up all that I was GOING THROUGH… all my darkest days of my life, it was like wearing the midnight hour.
There are two types of people in the world - those who will mock you and say are you some witch to like that time of the day? (I didn’t even want to verbalise that it’s so FLIPPANT like villagers) There are people who won’t be afraid to go out and sit with a purring cat in the middle of a cold, dark misty night… looking at the stars dreaming with open eyes.
Salem was always the coolest cat you know?
I would cry and tell myself maybe one day
I’ll get out of that house, either through friends or work or a husband/love I had HOPE and I was relying on blind love I thought love was infallible I know what his friends would say this is what they tell him to fill up his ears that’s why look I had a coincidenceagain… “She doesn’t love you she’s just desperate to leave her mother’s clutches” he is so vulnerable to be easily influenced like that like a mere puppet where they pull his strings and make him dance at their fingertips for more DRAMA tv actors from daily soaps will do that only. The song in the background which was (on shuffle mode) rightly said at that point “TUMHAARE bina yeh kidhar jaaenge?” He was my soulmate and DESTINY but I had to run away from him too. And that’s not the REASON ask yourself why? If it would’ve been that I wanted someone rich to start a new life away from this house or country, I was ready to use my own money… I just wanted someone to be there for me.
I can’t sit due to crying constantly I’m dy-ing even without doing anything but when I cry I know my breathing would get shallow and I might die die to low pressure and in that moment I feel like it’s the best thing to do… cry until I die which wouldn’t evn take long ive already got fever again can’t type or breathe my pressure is going down… it’s just too bad I tried I want to go back to my 14 year old self to all that HOPE which I had to escape my house, hope for acceptance, emotionally security, care and love.
I know there are some cheap ppl out there who believe I don’t have right to those things which I’ve listed (not talking about Aneri in particular but whoever) he’s got some woman she can easily read his hashtags and it’s a SHAME that they believe some 14 year old never deserved to hope for all that which I’ve mentioned, she never had that right even after all the pain I would stand with my big school bag outside the door on an empty stomach and wait for 2 hours straight I know what I’ve been through they will conveniently say it’s a lie I’m so done I’ve never seen such horrible human being before, how unfair? Even after getting inside I would get beaten up instead of getting food and I would tell myself that one day I’ll find someone who’ll love me and accept me and never make me cry again, they will be my family. I was cursed and told I should’ve died in 26th July floods or never returned home or died in my sleep and never woken up… this is exactly what stopped me from end-ing my life earlier although I had overd-ose at 16 and then at 21 (the latter because of Harsh Jayesh Rajput and my mother) he doesn’t even know that. I was alive for that 14 year old self who was surviving on hope “For the sake of old times” hence that promise and that’s why I cross my heart and unfortunately there are kids who are like that.
It has all scathingly become about Harsh his eligibility as a grown up young man and his Sx life and his fake wife (after our marriage and soulmate signs) and how we should congratulate him and see how potent he is for his honeymoon or suhaag raat or making kids his Sx life as if NO ONE CARES about me! I’m his virgin widow I’ve lived all my life like that like an untouchable… as if I was NOT born for MARRIAGE or being someone’s GIRLFRIEND or for love or any kind of relationship like that. What’s the point of growing up then? If it’s such an insult! I’m not a kid anymore.
This life has zero respect, they are so insensitive and weird they will justify their hate and the fact that they killed me by saying “I DESERVED it” someone had said this is what NARCISSISTS say. It’s a mental illness google it. They are not sane! They behave as if the signs are nothing God is nothing what I’m going through is nothing how crazy and cheap? All for what? Sx? Money? What else do they want? I even loved him… As if I was not a girl and for the FIRST IMPRESSION I was pretty, fair and cute so what did he want? Someone to lick his feet? A subservient? Some bimbo? Why couldn’t he give me a chance even AFTER COMING TO ME FIRST ON HIS OWN even after the signs? Even after so many years 10 fking years?! He knew my conditionand that home abuse which he could’ve STOPPED he could’ve LOVED why not? I was pretty and he wasn’t gay for the rest of them.
He made me feel like I’m an untouchable and I’m not made for even talking to guys leave alone love or marriage. Inspite of the signs. Inspite of my caliber I was forced to talk to some Bhopali creepy perv who was pretending to be him he THREW ME to the wolves. As if I deserved that and not someone educated.
He DESERVES to get punished even if I’ll die he surely deserves what he as a narcissist there’s a saying “narcissists will justify their hate by telling you deserve it” he deserves it because he needs a psychiatrist now and he’s a toxic patient he’s baleful he teamed up with his friends to HATE ME as a girl instead of DATING me after showing all that interest. Wth? That too since the age of 27…
I was pretty, fair and cute and let me narrate that story also, you’ve seen my old pics? Narcissists never see anything beyond themselves and I think he had some issue with his eyesight. Anyway I still remember we were at some hotel and I came back crying to my room because of him I had already lost all my confidence I was 21 I was sitting on the right side of the bed removing all my makeup every bit of it and then I scooted over to the left to reach out for room service, then I took my handheld mirror, I wasn’t afraid of sunlight or mirrors back then, the window had willow trees outside I had never seen them in India anyway I took that mirror to remove flaws in me cheap flippant snide gaaoti (villager tv serial ppl) would be like “You just now said you look good” he deserved that behenji aunty, anyway I removed that mirror and I decided to criticise myself but then I felt like saying “Hey it’s not so bad” I was looking fair cuz that’s the base criteria in India and cute my features were cute and likeable, I am saying that based on my real life reflection and not edited photos, I never said I was stunning like a Memon or an Afghan or some Russian model but my mother ruined my looks along with him and told me “at least other people accept they don’t look good” I have said it multiple times I say and cry everyday due to that same reason I even tried fixing myself in this state I got stuff for home facial but my skin is not used to it and his TRAUMA has made me hypersensitive from inside so my skin started burning it was burning the whole night and even someone light and cool felt like a heavy layer which I couldn’t handle and I even said I wanted a platonic relationship because of this same reason I’m paying for his mistakes I was okay with dying a virgin I thought we won’t tell people. This is what I looked like before: he had even liked these pics and others on some dating app I don’t have all other photos this is all that is left as memories along with tears and abuse
Its burning in my chest right now cuz I’ve cried enough to die I can’t breathe bye that’s all I had to say my hand is cold due to low pressure I can’t breathe therrs breathlessness can’t type I was angry due to that “deserved” part as it’s a classic trait of narcissists otherwise I still loved him and it was again like DECEPTION/Cheating as if he has no shame? I didn’t want to write something like that for him especially cuz this is my last post (again that woman WHO STOLE him she’ll say it’s never last like another shameless person and she’s already told him all her signs and screenshots are more or less the same WHEN ITS NOT SUCH now enough dude have some shame you slu-tt) if I’m already writing in this condition I’m glad my last words were those… I deserved hope just like my 14 year old self did.
They are taking advantage cuz there’s no one to see that they are murdering me out of lust and gluttony (havas for money and that behenji fetish) they are enjoying at my expense I’m dying that untouchable virgin that’s all I know I had signs and coincidences with Harsh she DIDNOT I have that right which she doesn’t she deserve him she doesn’t even need him. She is “using” someone who belongs to me, shameless Sl-utt who has no self respect. Just because he’s always high and sloshedand his ego is encouraging you that doesn’t mean he loves you, or you’ve become his soulmate, haha stop giving yourself false satisfaction, FACTS won’t change even the SIGNS DIDN’T You urself have no convictions or shame kya? Just because he is encouraging you you are taking advantage? If I would’ve survived I swear to you I would fkd ur soulmate right in front of him and you and showed you and trust me FORGET that 0-1% looks criteria which is settled on I would’ve made sure he would have emulated him in terms of looks and youth both.
Right in ur face btc-h. Both of your’s. The signs never changed I still see them. Just because his ego is lying you are stupid enough to delude yourself? Aditya died because of ur panorti ring and now it’s my turn. Everyone please read the ring part from my old posts (fetch the keyword - Diana) I have several backups all across internet.
I had told God that if he had to send something reassuring since he Harsh has already ruined my looks or whatever he’s not even belong me to fix myself I somehow got my haircut done at home and I told y about that facial I’d tried in this state (they minutely analyse my words to make fun of me and scrutinise everything first reach my level and google scrutinise) I told him if you had to give me some reassurance you could’ve said he’ll be back after 20 years for sure when he’s 60 and I would’ve still happily packed my bags and waited from now…
and till then I would’ve excitedly finished my book and then made a movie. But there’s no hope.
That woman it wasn’t for her but she’s so conniving and shameless she’s surely going to say “so why don’t u do that and let us fk till then?” That’s how ppl are that’s why we have no hope and we die.
It’s not like I didn’t mean it but for him and it’s not like I wouldn’t have prayed for her to get punished you think I’m a “foolish” here? And you are oversmart? As if what you are doing is right? As if I’m “crazy in love” to do as YOU SAY command in my life and MY HUSBAND’S (the signs are still there) no till 60 you would’ve been punished and long gone living ur life alone and EVEN THEN IT WOULDN’T have been fair cuz you’ve enjoyed till now I would’ve been a virgin all my life an unloved unaccepted untouchable virgin within no respect as an adult. But at least you wouldn’t been punished within a year he would’ve KICKED u out and we would’ve met at 60. You understand?
Coming back to him, keeping the scientific logic aside as I don't want other girls to feel inadequate too especially since I couldn't finish the book for them (where as girls our looks shouldn't matter because I recently saw a man who was very creepy and scary unlike the 0-1% I wanted and the girl inspite of being obese who had the same features and who looked so almost like his sister was still sweet and anyone could've easily accepted her, whereas it would've been troublesome for girls to accept that creepy looking man, we are intrinsically born sweet and we aren't intimidating like them, secondly no interest or attraction means no arousal means no lubrication means a forced entry and that's Rape so many girls said lubricators don't work and why let someone touch if we don't like them? Its our natural instincts and anyway that 0-1% didn't include height or a fair complexion or even light eyes or jaws just a decent looking guy like those natural photos where all that was not visible BUT not scary or ugly not in minus) I wanted to say that irrespective of what I just shared about girls vs guys since I was told yesterday very humiliatingly after my mother and him both of them ruined my looks, that - "look how you are at least others admit they aren't beautiful you deserve to die you should die on your own he will never accept you." It's best to die I was fascinated by the thought of being with him at least at 60 but now I don't want to show him my face, I was okay with an old Harsh too.
Since I was mad at him and this was my last post 😘❤️🥰❤️😘😘 (there were emojis if they aren't visible) always and forever. I’m dying THE END.
- Zara Sauleh
THIS IS AN ANSWER FOR HIM HIS SHAMELESS QUESTION:
I’m getting wheezing n fever again and I got a panic attack too I won’t survive this and it’s okay I was again thinking of dyi-ng it was already tough living with the fact that I’ve lost out on him not just missed out and I have NO HOPE no future, she stole my future husband and whoever was destined for me my soulmate and my soul too my entire life was in him (you’ve seen the signs) some recent sign said I’m gonna get a STROKE now, I’m palpitating and gagging already. HE doesn’t get that scientific logic which I shared yesterday cuz he thinks how can it be a forced entry if it’s planned? Planning Eww who will plan with someone whom I don’t like? Who doesn’t meet my caliber? Secondly I’m young I am into passion and impulse not planning-wlanning keep ur Navsari conversation to yourself. I just don’t want infidelity and undivided attention no superficiality or anything that’s why it has to be a committed relationship I don’t want to waste or share my time but yeah what planning? And secondly it will be a struggle to enter even if planned for him cuz our buds don’t open if we aren’t aroused chee chee chee. I’ll puke and I don’t want to be touched either by someone I don’t like. Now you get it? Or are you that dumb? Why would I get rapd? Or go through this “painful procedure” and that woman who’s stolen you will unrightfully and undeservingly get love making?
There’s a difference. She is mocking me more? This is not Sx it’s love making please it’s intense love which you got all night every night and I’m dying his virgin widow. Bye I’m glad I was alive till now to clarify this. I won’t wait for the stroke I was already contemplating about this Sui-cde I have high grade fever I can’t even walk for anything important in my room or sit up straight. I was okay na with ur lips which you’ve spoiled and ur complexion (the photos one I didn’t know u were fair all these 10 years) and with everything else I just wanted 0-1% of looks unlike others who wanted 50% and that did NOT include colour or height or monetary status just because I didn’t want a scary creepy ugly or dumb illiterate man some UNCOUTH in minus you are forcing me?
My whole mouth is bitter due to fever I cried again hell loads I have no reason to live anymore.
One more coincidence that WOMAN should read this if she has enough guts. She didn’t find anyone else kya other than my husband/soulmate?
I had just said that she unrightfully has the one who was destined to be with me INSPITE of our marriage signs which I’ve been getting since 2016 and other things which they say happen when someone’s meant for you and the NEXT DAY some card came up which said the Devil will not only snatch away what is RIGHTFULLY mine (same words read my first line I had said she unrightfully has him, he was rightfully mine) the devil is making him do this it you are probably like one of him, it added he will also take the rest of the things that I have which is true I THREW my fav book after my mother brought up his marriage topic while I was writing in it and I am LEAVING all that I got all my fav stuff which I got luckily in my budget I kissed one of my dearest pouches the other day before crying and picking up the knif-e cuz I’m gonna die now. One more thing is clarified in the next post.
The problem however is NOT solely that it’s UNFAIRNESS. I WANT MY SOULMATE. I was ready to move on inspite of how unfair it was I’ll stand by it but it’s too late now there’s no one cuz this is how soulmates work, one of us dies without the other. That’s why NO ONE’S coming.
- Zara Sauleh
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