Crying gives me fever & I’ve been having high fever every single day since 2016 (just like today) but I can’t stop crying it’s just so Humiliating and Hurtful, I lost all Hope thanks to him who’s name also started with H - Harsh, who only knew how to H-ate
At least those perverts and “playboys” like Karan & Umang would flirt with us and make us feel like a girl *ouch no offence* but this man was literally boring, he was acting like a weird dogmatic, stern frigid oldie who took away my youth also… I was just thinking to 💭 myself that even if they’ll say men want different girls everytime to normalise something as grievous & sickening as infidelity which can also end up being fatal… they’ll still hear me saying “But he was not even with me for once” he left me to die with that “lip virgin” tag or modern day scarlet letter which was like a never ending curse, he left me to die without having any significant moments, as a girl I couldn’t celebrate my 16th Birthday or even 21st and then I never had my first kiss, no friends no normalcy all because I’m not cheap like most people and I don’t give any benefits… just when I was thinking that as in, “He hasn’t been with me ever, at least I could’ve died in peace remembering those moments in the last 7 seconds of my life, I would’ve had something or someone to miss, to recall, to make me feel like I led a somewhat normal, fulfilled journey, just when I was thinking about all this whilst keeping myself as strong as I could, while holding myself together (the pitch kept raising and meeting my vibes in the song which was playing in the background) and then it said this - exactly when he crossed my mind, “Tu nanga hi toh aaaya hai kya gh*nta lekar jaaenga?” Very true, apart from the duality in its meaning, there’s a third factor, I had told several times that maximum girls especially me (can’t say about most these days) are never interested in d*cks or d*ckheads hahaha you have no assets so there’s nothing special about you, you should never compete or fight with girls, we’ll always have the upper hand and especially those like me (analytical empiricists/realists/skeptics who are more into science and logic than emotions) who are least interested in you in “physical terms” you should never dare to mess with us because we don’t need you, for us where “Women thy name is jealousy instead of pretty” I wish they would’ve replaced it with the latter and identified us as someone who’s pretty by default, because not doing so gives rise to jealousy especially when it’s so damn unfair, for us Attention, Love, Care, Gentleness, Respect, Fidelity, Exclusivity are all like “sexual desires” the moment we sense another person, our love will turn into hate no offence but I really wish I would’ve been a guy and no matter how much you make me feel like I’m impotent it still won’t change my gender and I won’t be able to turn my hate into love again because this “unfairness” encompasses several issues which can never be sorted… at least not without death. Because unfortunately everyone is like you and there’s no other option otherwise it’s still possible to get out of it when someone appreciates your worth and makes you feel more potent when the whole world pressurises girls to look pretty and they deem their potential solely on the basis of how desirable they are, when someone makes you feel like a girl, you realise that the other guy wasn’t man enough and it’s easier for you to live with that, with all the unfairness where the attention was indeed undivided but invested in someone entirely undeserving… where we can’t even say you could’ve at least kept it fair and given us both equal attention although we would’ve been happy with that as well as a last resort.
Here’s more, I kept seeing the number 2 ie. since 2015 after I met you on 2nd Oct & 2nd April and no I wasn’t even subconsciously thinking about you or those two dates… I would always wonder why and it always led me to 2nd Oct & April… I once asked out of frustration that “Are we supposed to declare a public holiday? Why do you keep reminding me of that?” When I googled that number it kept saying “Balance” it’s one of my numerological numbers too… I saw the quote “The universe will keep showing you signs until you understand them” and I finally caught myself saying this today: The devil will eventually lose, I’m tired of getting defeated, I don’t want to lead a defeated life, I didn’t come this far for nothing, for them to win so effortlessly, I struggle every night to breathe because my convulsions increase by then and I still have to deal with that man’s insensitivity and hate, his prejudice, *untouchability* he went too far, he is an extremist, he thinks even talking me online is impossible because I’m perceived as some low, downtrodden underling… I dont wake up everyday to the same old pain, tears, high fever and another round of struggle, the same old memories and some more wasted seconds of my youth just so these seconds would never turn into moments. I caught myself saying,“You know why things were unfair? Only so that they could be fair…” and that is what 2 is all about - Balance Sorry to all those whom I’ve seen sharing this quote, “You don’t believe in God but you can at least believe in the universe, we are all surrounded by a ball of fire, on a planet which is hanging in mid air and a satellite which revolves around it” I’m sorry but I’ll have to break it down for you, that too scientifically, so no it’s no magic, the vast expanse of our universe is primarily composed of air which also makes up for most of the atoms & molecules, this air can easily outweigh earth and other celestial bodies and it has really high pressure or voltage because of which our earth is almost cushioned by air and encapsulated like other planets from all different sides… I’m sorry I ruined it but metaphorically speaking and trust me wherever there are souls and spirits we will have that spiritual talk, my next book has a lot of poems and philosophical metaphorical things which align a lot with science and all of it’s mundanity, so read this till the end. Earth might be held together somewhere up in space due to all the pressure of the outweighing air which surrounds it but at the same time it also spins over there and it keeps rotating on its own along with the satellite which is nothing but a magnet, sorry… it manages to rotate and revolve, both, at the same time, without ever collapsing because our self sustaining planet where everything and everyone is co-related, knows how to maintain a certain kind of Balance. Metaphorically speaking this balance is dictated by Karma, it’s like a universal law, which is exactly why my numerological value 11 - thanks to my birthdate and even after adding all the digits of my month and year it still sums up to the number 11 (they say since it’s a master number so you don’t have to add it up again but that’s just a man made “pagan rule”) my number 11 - stands for Justice/Karma in the tarot deck and each separate digit of 29th March also aligns with my life, 2 - is the psychic or intuitive High Priestess/Popess who owns the entire tarot Deck (unfortunately that guy Harsh is 5 - The Hierophant or Pope/Her partner) and the number 9 stands for The Lonely & Wise Sage - the Hermit (a forever loner like me) 11 my numerological value is Justice or Karma and even if you’ll see it from another angle 20 would again connote Judgement which is nothing but Karma… 2 stands for balance and the universe knows how to retain it… balance means settled scores, it means justice, fairness & equity, we met specifically that too twice on 2nd Oct and 2nd April because it was predestined that was is unfair will be fair one day and the“balance”would be held forth.
It’s not just an ordinary “love story” of sadness and defeat or another grief stricken unrequited lover who dies a tragic death at the hands of their “beloved”… it’s a real life story and there’s got to be some science over here, this is how the Universe works, it’s self sustainable, it’ll throw you out of if you’ll threaten or mess with the laws of nature, so the next time, when you do something wrong, tell yourself it’s going to come back to you, that too vibrating in a hundredfold “What goes around comes around” and that is exactly what earth does each moment when it revolves and rotates, it makes sure we all get our fair share of sun and rain… of night and day.
So there’s no point in giving up now not until I secure a victory, I will have to survive to see him falling flat on his “gorgeous” face, Karma will settle scores that too soon before he gets more old and loses his libido (for what kind of a heartbreak will he have then) because dude you were the one who asked for it when you decided to compete with a girl - in a society where looks are all we’ve got. 
And if you think Metaphors are best kept for Poetries & Plays then here: This is how it all connects, I was named Zara “coincidentally” by my grandmother who wasn’t even aware of the brand Zara… back in those days, in our religion only the names Zahra & Zaara were legitimately approved because Zara’s meaning was not commonly known to all (it means Princess in Persian & Bright as Dawn in Arabic) as a kid, I never wanted to change my name even though a lot of relatives were hell bent on doing that and coincidentally I was born stylish, I was always crazy about fashion and style and I’m obsessed with clothes… I’m just like my name Zara, it’s like a weird craze, I myself wasn’t aware of that brand when I was a kid but I always picked my own clothes and did all the shopping myself even when I was barely a toddler. Once, when we were reading a storybook me and my brother came across a psychic who was called “Madam Zara” and I read somewhere that this name has always been associated with Sibyls & Clairvoyants or those who’ve been more inclined towards occult and mysticism or esoteric “science” and it’s no coincidence that I’ve myself had psychic instances. So no, there is always more than what meets the eye, we are playing different characters in a story and each one of us is given the right part, you don’t have to be mad just because I’m in the lead and you are just a side role. You are also true to your name “Harsh” so cheer up… no role is that small, if you play it well 👍🏻 with all your heart, so make the most of it, it won’t last long.
By Zara Sauleh
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